the flawed loop hole.

Do you sometimes feel lonely in a sea of people? Everyone is laughing and smiling having a good time. You are laughing and smiling with them, but the more you try to connect with them the more disconnected you feel. You are as close as you can physically get with them, and yet you have never felt more distant than you do in that moment.

Me: I used to read anonymous notes somewhere-- some online confessions website, I think. Once I came across a confession expressing how the person is struggling and even though they have a lot of people around them they could not talk to any of them. I used to think it was absurd. I thought there were so many people around them who were probably willing to help. They just need to text or call someone and talk to them. I used to think everyone was there for everyone. So maybe this is karma. Fast forward almost ten years later I am in their shoes.

I feel lonely because the problem is me. I should talk to someone about it but at the same time, I really don't want to. Feels kind of like a tug a war with myself.

One day it got really bad. I woke up and felt like I didn't deserve any of the relationships I had and wanted to let it all go. Go somewhere new, see new faces, know no histories of neither myself nor anyone else's. I wanted to reset.

Doctor: Then you're back at stage one of your cycle. Once those new faces become familiar faces, you'll want to move and reset again.

In the end, it's not where you go but who you are with.